Don’t worry, Magic fans. He’ll leave too. They always do.
By Jon R. LaFollette (@JonFilet) and Dave Searle (@DaveSearle)
NOTE: Jon and Dave exchanged snarky emails making fun of how bad the Orlando Magic are. Below is the entire transcript. Dave drops puns and ’90s references, Jon tells Magic fans to prepare for another good player’s eventual departure.
Jon: Hey Dave. Remember when the Orlando Magic consistently lost their best players to the Lakers? Should IU frat bros already be ordering custom Victor Oladipo jerseys for the eventual certainty he bales for the left coast? Also, who knew Hedo Turkoglu was still getting paychecks after being ostracized from the team for using steroids? Hedo Turkoglu? STEROIDS?! I demand he hand over his Most Improved Player trophy to Mike Dunleavy this instant! Quick, set the time machine to 2008!
Dave: Should we tweet [Indianapolis Star columnist Bob] Kravitz his “trade a first for Reddick” article to him every time Solomon Hill takes a stolen pass to the house for a dunk?
Jon: Speaking of Kravitz, who has the bigger man boobs, him or Big Baby Glen Davis? YAHK YAHK YAHK!
Seriously though. What’s the greatest moment in Magic history? Can they even justify their existence? We’ve got Shaq ripping down backboards aplenty when he was young and freakish. Notable certainly.
My favorite, however, is the awkward bro-hug between Dwight Howard and Stan Van Gundy. Watch the clip below. Enjoy the hilarity.
Their iconic moments on the court are fleeting, while they’re otherwise known for mediocrity, endless rebuilding and having the first NBA player with a physics degree on their roster. Am I missing something here? Tell me, oh wise one.
DAVE: LITTLE PENNY COMMERCIALS! Top five ’90s NIKE commercial campaign!
JON: 0_____0
Wut.
Please tell me what this is. I know it’s Chris Rock voicing a horrifying Penny Hardaway puppet, but why is that girl randomly blowing bubbles? Why do they cut away to a dog shaking off a bath? Why am I suddenly compelled to play street ball to Mozart?
I’m confused. Help me, Dave.
Also, should Magic coach Jacques Vaughn coach his team like Little Penny coaches the extras in the Nike commercial? With casually dated jokes meant to demean their skills?
“Hey, Tobias Harris, you shoot threes so poorly defenders treat you like Wesley Snipes treated his tax returns!”
If that’s the case, I want him mic’d for every game this season. If the NBA new what was good for them, they’d make one hell of a mix tape.
Dave: How could you be Mo Harkless? (Harkless, harkless, harkless)
Wasn’t Jacque Vaughn the villain in Beauty & the Beast?
By the way, I would rather watch a marathon of “Men Behaving Badly” than the Phoenix Suns this year. The Magic will be terrible, but fun to watch. The Suns are rebuilding, but the Magic are Whee!building.
Jon: You mentioned Phoenix. I think they’re approaching their lottery-bound year the right way – distracting a beleaguered fan base with a flashy new logo and redesigned jerseys. If you’re Orlando, and you still have a birth-control-swallowing Hedo Turkoglu on your roster along with an irrelevant Jameer Nelson, why not get sexy? Ditch the tacky star design and the dated pinstripes. They may not get many wins, but they’ll get a boost in revenue with all the swagalicious new merch.
Also, to go along with your Yeezy / Harkless pun, I’m a big fan of Leigh Ellis‘ Home Oladipo fantasy basketball team name. It’s funny, really. Oladipo is building a strong foundation for a promising career, but he won’t move in to the house until he signs with the Lakers.
Can they just move this franchise to Seattle, please? No?
Anyway, I don’t see any advantage the Magic have on the Pacers. Indy has size, experience and a desire to be good. I do have some bold predictions though. Luis Scola will look the most like Russel Brand than anyone else on the court. Also, Paul George will end two assists short of a triple double. THE PG RISES!
Prediction: Pacers 109, Magic 88.
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